I often hear women complain that they can't get their men interested in 'working' on the relationship.
No matter how many books they leave on the coffee table, artfully opened to the page they REALLY want them to read, they don't. Similarly, TV shows, documentaries and newspaper articles are ignored. These women find this very frustrating because they are sure that if their male partner would just take the time to understand them a little better all would be well.
Usually, after years of failing to attain the desired response, these women give up and come to the conclusion that he really doesn't care. This is a tragedy, because nothing could be further from the truth. Men would love to understand women better, constantly complain that they can't seem to manage it, and spend much time shaking their heads in wonderment.
The problem is, we are different in some truly fundamental ways. Allison Armstrong, one of my favourite authors on the subject of understanding men puts it like this - "Men are not hairy women". It's true. Leave that book lying around on your girlfriends coffee table and it will be read to within an inch of it's life. But ask a typical man to read it and you will see a slight glaze come over his eyes and notice that his body is desperately trying to get out of the room. You might a well be asking him to bake a wedding cake and ice it with little pink flowers and an original haiku poem he wrote for the occasion.
You are asking him to do something that he simply is not equipped for and will almost certainly fail at (we will look at why failure is so threatening to men in a later blog). Right now he feels trapped because he knows that you are going to be upset with him if he refuses, and he knows that you are going to be upset with him if he tries to do it and still doesn't 'get it' (which he won't). At this point you will most likely receive the standard male response to being trapped in a no win situation, which goes something like "sure honey, I'm a little busy now but I'll try to get to it later". He figures the best thing he can do is buy time and hope that you forget about it.
Its true that not all men will do this. If your man is one of those who has a more developed relationship with his feminine side than most, he might be able to get his head around it. But most men, through a combination of genetic inclination, hormones and socialisation are way too 'masculine' in their psyche to make head or tail of the world of feelings. Most men see the world in 2 shades - the things I can DO something about, and the things I can't (and therefore ignore). When it comes to talking about things like feelings and relationships most men haven't got the vocabulary or the internal experience to make sense of them. If you're lucky they have figured out that if they sit there and nod their heads a few times they might get away with appearing to listen, and then you won't be upset with them (you may be noticing by now that a very important goal in 'manworld' is you not being upset with them).
So what to do? Well girls, fair or unfair, I'm afraid that it's down to you. If you want something really heavy lifted, ask your man, he's happy to help. If you want someone in this relationship to be taking care of keeping it juicy and alive and all gooey and romantic, I'm afraid that is going to have to be you. Robert Johnson, another fantastic writer on relationship issues, puts it this way.
"Traditionally men serve as guardians of the outer world, acquiring resources and defending against threats relating to the physical survival of the family. Women serve as guardians of the inner world, taking care of what the family needs emotionally".
Of course that has changed a little lately. Feminism has encouraged women to develop their masculine side and economics now requires that many women also work in the outer world. Unfortunately it has changed for men to a far lesser degree. Men are very much still raised to fulfil their traditional roles and conditioned away from their feminine. Men are still required to be highly competitive, which means having to be low on empathy for those you are competing against and high on measurable actions that produce an outcome.
Today women are demanding that men take more responsibility in the inner world, but a lifetime of conditioning leaves most men ill equipped for the job. The fact is that in the majority of cases, it is still the woman who is best equipped to be the guardian of the inner world. The reality is that most men will not read this blog, or anything else to do with relationships for that matter, because doing so would achieve no useful outcome.
Want to know what the good news is? Getting what you want from a man is easy. You just have to remember that he isn't a hairy woman. No amount of subtlety, inferences, suggestion or hints is going to do the job (like it would with your girlfriends). Want to know how to get what you want? It's simple - ask him for it in such a way that he knows it is important to your happiness. Oh, and I mean ASK, not demand or in anyway infer that you shouldn't have had to ask. We're not all that good at this relationship stuff but we've learned to recognise that 'tone' that says you're upset with us. Even better if you understand that we simply don't get it and stop getting upset with us.
Really, its true. Your man is constantly trying to figure out how to make you happy (see next blog - why men leave) and he loves it when you make it easy by just telling him. "Honey, I'd really love it if you could find the time to sit with me for half an hour an let me tell you about my day. Can you manage it?". I'm serious. No matter what he has planned (unless it is something that is vital to being a good 'guardian' of the outer world) he will move heaven and earth to make the time and be so appreciative that you straight out let him know how to make you happy. To him it's a gift.
Now, two things you need to remember though. He won't respond like your girlfriends, he doesn't know how, and he may try to fix things if you tell him about your problems (still trying to make you happy). Just tell him you want him to just listen (sweetly please, he's just trying to help). Oh, and remember to let him know that it made you happy by appreciating it (we need to be told because we don't pick up the subtleties very often).
Yes, it can be that simple, and it is. Just ask for what you want, let us know why it will make you happy and then show us that it did.
ciao for now
No matter how many books they leave on the coffee table, artfully opened to the page they REALLY want them to read, they don't. Similarly, TV shows, documentaries and newspaper articles are ignored. These women find this very frustrating because they are sure that if their male partner would just take the time to understand them a little better all would be well.
Usually, after years of failing to attain the desired response, these women give up and come to the conclusion that he really doesn't care. This is a tragedy, because nothing could be further from the truth. Men would love to understand women better, constantly complain that they can't seem to manage it, and spend much time shaking their heads in wonderment.
The problem is, we are different in some truly fundamental ways. Allison Armstrong, one of my favourite authors on the subject of understanding men puts it like this - "Men are not hairy women". It's true. Leave that book lying around on your girlfriends coffee table and it will be read to within an inch of it's life. But ask a typical man to read it and you will see a slight glaze come over his eyes and notice that his body is desperately trying to get out of the room. You might a well be asking him to bake a wedding cake and ice it with little pink flowers and an original haiku poem he wrote for the occasion.
You are asking him to do something that he simply is not equipped for and will almost certainly fail at (we will look at why failure is so threatening to men in a later blog). Right now he feels trapped because he knows that you are going to be upset with him if he refuses, and he knows that you are going to be upset with him if he tries to do it and still doesn't 'get it' (which he won't). At this point you will most likely receive the standard male response to being trapped in a no win situation, which goes something like "sure honey, I'm a little busy now but I'll try to get to it later". He figures the best thing he can do is buy time and hope that you forget about it.
Its true that not all men will do this. If your man is one of those who has a more developed relationship with his feminine side than most, he might be able to get his head around it. But most men, through a combination of genetic inclination, hormones and socialisation are way too 'masculine' in their psyche to make head or tail of the world of feelings. Most men see the world in 2 shades - the things I can DO something about, and the things I can't (and therefore ignore). When it comes to talking about things like feelings and relationships most men haven't got the vocabulary or the internal experience to make sense of them. If you're lucky they have figured out that if they sit there and nod their heads a few times they might get away with appearing to listen, and then you won't be upset with them (you may be noticing by now that a very important goal in 'manworld' is you not being upset with them).
So what to do? Well girls, fair or unfair, I'm afraid that it's down to you. If you want something really heavy lifted, ask your man, he's happy to help. If you want someone in this relationship to be taking care of keeping it juicy and alive and all gooey and romantic, I'm afraid that is going to have to be you. Robert Johnson, another fantastic writer on relationship issues, puts it this way.
"Traditionally men serve as guardians of the outer world, acquiring resources and defending against threats relating to the physical survival of the family. Women serve as guardians of the inner world, taking care of what the family needs emotionally".
Of course that has changed a little lately. Feminism has encouraged women to develop their masculine side and economics now requires that many women also work in the outer world. Unfortunately it has changed for men to a far lesser degree. Men are very much still raised to fulfil their traditional roles and conditioned away from their feminine. Men are still required to be highly competitive, which means having to be low on empathy for those you are competing against and high on measurable actions that produce an outcome.
Today women are demanding that men take more responsibility in the inner world, but a lifetime of conditioning leaves most men ill equipped for the job. The fact is that in the majority of cases, it is still the woman who is best equipped to be the guardian of the inner world. The reality is that most men will not read this blog, or anything else to do with relationships for that matter, because doing so would achieve no useful outcome.
Want to know what the good news is? Getting what you want from a man is easy. You just have to remember that he isn't a hairy woman. No amount of subtlety, inferences, suggestion or hints is going to do the job (like it would with your girlfriends). Want to know how to get what you want? It's simple - ask him for it in such a way that he knows it is important to your happiness. Oh, and I mean ASK, not demand or in anyway infer that you shouldn't have had to ask. We're not all that good at this relationship stuff but we've learned to recognise that 'tone' that says you're upset with us. Even better if you understand that we simply don't get it and stop getting upset with us.
Really, its true. Your man is constantly trying to figure out how to make you happy (see next blog - why men leave) and he loves it when you make it easy by just telling him. "Honey, I'd really love it if you could find the time to sit with me for half an hour an let me tell you about my day. Can you manage it?". I'm serious. No matter what he has planned (unless it is something that is vital to being a good 'guardian' of the outer world) he will move heaven and earth to make the time and be so appreciative that you straight out let him know how to make you happy. To him it's a gift.
Now, two things you need to remember though. He won't respond like your girlfriends, he doesn't know how, and he may try to fix things if you tell him about your problems (still trying to make you happy). Just tell him you want him to just listen (sweetly please, he's just trying to help). Oh, and remember to let him know that it made you happy by appreciating it (we need to be told because we don't pick up the subtleties very often).
Yes, it can be that simple, and it is. Just ask for what you want, let us know why it will make you happy and then show us that it did.
ciao for now
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